I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Someone shit on the floor
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
