i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
