Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
