You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
