You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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