I cannot find my penis.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
