Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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