goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
