My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
