After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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