Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
