even my farts smell like vagina
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
