I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
