And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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