i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
