things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
