Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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