Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
