That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
