you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
