No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
