this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
