i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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