apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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