yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
