dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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