I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
