Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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