last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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