Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
