I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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