I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
