Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
