Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
