Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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