Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I will pee on everything he values.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
