I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
