I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
