Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
