CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
