We're facebook friends in real life
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
