he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
