Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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