I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
