you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
