We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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