They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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