How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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