so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
