if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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