There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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