I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
