oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
