I wannas sexs uuuuu
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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